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How Am I?

I am not one feeling.
I am a palette that keeps changing.
Some mornings arrive in soft blues,
heavy but gentle, like a sky that hasn’t decided to rain.
Other days wake up sharp and red,
still tender where the hurt once lived,
still remembering what it cost to survive.

I am learning that healing is not a straight line.
It moves like color in water—
slow, unpredictable, refusing to stay where it’s placed.
There are moments I feel green and growing,
quietly rebuilding myself in places no one sees.
And there are moments when everything fades to gray,
not empty, just resting.

I carry my past in layers.
Pain sits underneath,
but it no longer controls the surface.
Each day, I add something new
a lighter shade, a softer edge,
a little more space to breathe.
I let myself feel without asking permission.
I let the colors come,
even the dark ones,
because they belong to me too.

Some days, I am bright enough to surprise myself.
Yellow shows up when I least expect it
in small joys, in quiet strength,
in the simple fact that I am still here.
Other days, I am unfinished,
smudged, uneven, unsure.
And that is also part of how I am.

So if you ask me today,
How are you?
I will not give you one word.
I will tell you this:
I am becoming.
I am healing in color.
I am alive,
and learning how to stay.